I began seeing the dragonfly totem come to me while at my work, cleaning houses. This is the antithesis of what i just stated earlier about the material world versus nature. However there are exceptions to the rule. Spirit will guide you in what ever way it can, to get you to see what you should really be seeing, "behind the veils" of illusion. This way we know that we are always loved unconditionally in the universe.
Today is my second day in Portland, Oregon. I am bewildered knowing i am supposed to be on a "vision quest". I am certainly not in any wilderness here. I am in the large metropolis, I am in the suburbs. I am lost in this mission, to pierce through the veils. I know at some juncture i am going to lose my patience and bail out on everyone. I can't seem to re-gain any strength in the midst of words, and conversations. I can barely make sentences. I am screaming internally for retreat into silence.
After all of the supposed "vision quests" i have been on, I feel that this one is well just as difficult but in a different way of course. Is it okay to find a balance between city and wilderness?
So many unanswered questions. Fear of traveling into a forest to escape modern insanity. Frosty spring nights.
I have a sleeping bag, and wool sweaters, 2 alpaca scarves, one pair of alpaca socks, essential oils, some t-shirts, a bra, a few pairs of underwear.
I checked my bike into the shop after it arrived perfectly at my couchsurfing hosts' residence. On Wednesday I will have the bike back and be having a trial run on how to hitch it all on board.
So why does Shamanka (Serpentbird), leave the world of comfort, for the unknown? It is to make full soul and full God contact. It is to let my own feeling of safety drop out and let myself be caught in nature's spirit webs. Its all hell breaking loose in my emotions. I am screaming to be found. I am a stranger in a strange land, homeless, and free. The more posessions the more burdens.
It has been 5 years or so since my journey to Hopi land. I was a different being. I was solid.
Now i am unprepared for the leap, but it is the only way up.
I know I can not be effective at being an example to others until i feel healthy again.